Though we are super happy that Casey has had another clear check up, this post isn’t just about Cancer. This post is about frustration. Frustration that Cancer changes your life forever. This weekend we are participating in the Susan G Komen Race for a Cure 5k with a group of friends and fellow bloggers. It’s amazing to look at the site and see all these survivors and supporters sporting their pink and supporting an amazing cause. I would of never thought I’d be one of those people. While I’ll be walking, and not running I’m still proud to be supporting these women and men who have been effected by Cancer.
I was talking to someone I had recently met, about how Casey having Cancer changed us forever, some good and some bad. I’d like to say I worry less, and I do about most of the little things in life, I of course will always worry about Casey and whether the Cancer will one day come back. When I walk past a family with little kids, my heart hurts every time that I wish we could have that. I wish I could say I worry about that less. Cancer hasn’t taken that away from us, but quite possibly.
I’ll be honest and say I don’t know a lot about religion and have talked with quite a few of my friends on the subject, learning new perspectives. As I watch one by one my coworkers and friends, starting families, on opinion resonates with me, that maybe God doesn’t find us deserving enough. I know what many people say on the subject, it will happen when you least expect it, or if it was meant to be it will happen. So, maybe it’s not meant to be, maybe we are just meant to be really awesome Aunt & Uncles and Godparents to children we love like our own. However, I just can’t believe in a God who would deny the sweetest man on earth, who would make the best Dad ever, the opportunity to have a child of his own. I cry tears of joy and sadness when we get a chance to keep our godsons hear them say I love you Jenna. I want to one day hear I love you Mommy, and maybe I never will but I haven’t lost hope.
I still hope more than anything that one day we will be blessed with a child of our own. We have already been blessed in so many ways I feel guilty asking for more but I can’t be more heartbroken every time I hear about another pregnancy, or baby shower, or the cute photos on facebook of friends babies. I am so happy for them, but at the same time I can’t help wonder why not us?
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