I’m not sure what I’m here to say, but today has been a really emotional day. It might have been that we returned to our Shag danging lessons last night, and they all wanted to know how Casey was currently feeling and if everything was okay. We hadn’t seen any of them since last year, when Casey was diagnosed with cancer. And, for the most part everything is okay. Casey has learned that the Chemo has had an effect on his immune system since he’s picked up quite a few more colds than normal. He can’t push himself through all nighters or really exhaust himself because he ends up sick shortly after. He has to sleep more and he doesn’t have quite the amount of energy he used to. Meaning, he’s lost the superhuman energy he used to have and he’s more like a normal person who needs 8 hours of sleep a night but overall? He’s healthy and happy and there isn’t a lot more we could ask for as far as that goes.
What I’m here to talk about today is fear. Casey’s next surveillance appointment is coming up on the 29th of July for his CT Scan and follow up with his oncologist. He’s not worried about it one bit, he’s sure everything is going to work out fine. I wish I had that attitude, because I’m scared to death that something could be wrong. Every time he starts to feel under the weather I’m freaking out inside because I’m scared that the cancer may be back. But, Casey’s no nonsense approach to the whole situation, I think is the only reason I feel grounded. He’s the yin to my yang. I freak out and worry and he takes everything as it comes, more hopeful one day than the next.
When I cry because I’m so frustrated that Casey and I are having such a hard time conceiving a child, he’s right there to dry my tears and tell me that it will happen when it’s supposed to happen. When I cry because I see all these other women announcing their pregnancies and having babies, he calmly hands me a tissue and tells me that everything is going to be fine, that our dreams will come true.
I don’t know what I would do without the sweetest boy I have ever met. I think that’s why these weeks leading up to the appointment are so emotional for me. It’s hard to even think that the cancer could come back and take him away from me. He’s my everything. I know it sounds cliche’ but it’s true. I’ve never met anyone like him in my life and I thank my lucky stars for him everyday, even when he’s getting on my nerves, even when he frustrates himself and me over silly dance steps, or even when he tries to wake me up in the morning by giving me dragon breath kisses. I could never ask for a better husband or a better best friend.
So, if you don’t mind sending up a prayer for us in the next weeks that things come back negative, we certainly would appreciate it.
With love & hope,
Jenn
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