Casey will be checked into the hospital in the morning to begin his Chemotherapy. So many thoughts are running through my head and I thought writing them down would be the easiest way to clear my head. Casey has always been my rock, when the world felt like it was falling down around us, he was always there to help me pick up the pieces. This time it’s going to be my turn to be the rock for him. I want to think that seeing him look like he’s sick, or being in the hospital is going to be the worst part of this. A good friend told me today that I need to think about it as though, he’s not sick. Which is true, they removed all the cancer. This is preventive treatment to make sure it never comes back. But, I can’t help but wonder how much my heart will break over seeing him lose his hair, or struggle with the side effects of the Chemotherapy. I wish I could say that I would be able to spend every minute by his side but in all honesty I can’t. I will be there every possible minute that I can but I still will have to leave for 10 hours for 3 days of the 5 and go to work. I will spend the nights with him at the hospital. I will do everything I can to make his stay as comfortable as possible but my heart is already heavy with guilt that I won’t get to be by his side the entire time. We bought his favorite snacks, he’s got his laptop, and we’ve got board games and cards to play. He’ll get to watch TV and hopefully keep in touch with everyone on twitter and the blog. We’ve packed his favorite pajamas and everything he’ll need. It almost seems like going on a trip. Except, this is a trip no one would ever willingly go on.
One thing that surprised me through this is that every time I see a baby, or a little kid, I cry. I never thought I wanted children throughout most of my life, but something in the last year changed for me. I knew that I wanted to have a child. I’ve dreamt of having a baby many times. In all my dreams she’s a little girl named Isabella Jane, named after my Grandma Isabell and Casey’s Grandma Martha Jane. There’s a very high chance that Casey and I will never be parents. We tried the natural way for 8 months, and even with the sperm banking, most procedures only have about a 60% success rate after 6 rounds of artificial insemination. You go through half your life trying NOT to accidently have a baby when you’re not ready for one and then when you think you’re ready a curveball comes in and knocks you out of the game. I never once thought, well maybe we won’t be able to have children. Everybody has a kid, that’s the first thing people start asking as soon as you’re married. When are you going to have children? Guess what my answer might have to be? Never. We weren’t able to have children. I’m not counting us out yet. We still have a chance, we’ve had one miracle, Casey is free of cancer because we caught it in time. Maybe God has one more for us. Maybe we’ll have a curly haired little girl that’s named after someone who I think about everyday and miss dearly. Maybe I’ll have a chance to make that little girl or boy’s life as beautiful as the one my family has given me. Time will only tell, but I’m almost afraid to hope. I think that’s the point of this blog, to try and let myself hope. With Hope, Anything is Possible.
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Jenn, I hope everything will all work out. I have always wanted the best for you and Bubba. God will find a way to give everyone what they want and I believe he will find a way for you and Bubba to have that beautiful baby girl or boy. I love you guys.
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